| Vintage Pulp | Oct 15 2009 |
One thing you can always count on is guys screwing everything up.
What would the world really be like without men? Have you ever honestly wondered? When we saw this cover for Charles Eric Maine’s World without Men we seriously pondered the question.
1: First, we’re talking about a cleaner world. Men piss everywhere. We leak like cheap faucets. That may be because of all the beer we drink, so right there, big change number two…
2: There would be no beer.
3: And on a related note, the high-five would never have been invented. That’s a given. Men high five when drinking, and the thing we high five most about is sports. Sports would still take place, of course—there would be ice skating and ice dancing, gymnastics and rhythmic gymnastics, and there might even be tennis—but esoteric male innovations like mixed martial arts and alcohol funnycar drag racing wouldn’t exist. And arguably the greatest quantum leap in sporting history—the slam dunk—would never have come to pass. So there would be nothing to high five about anyway.
4: Teabagging would never have been invented. We aren’t going to defend the practice. It wasn’t one of our finer moments. However…
5: There would be infinitely more varieties of tea. And...
6: There would be infinitely more varieties of soap and lotion.
7: And speaking of skin care, waxing would not have been invented. The only reason it came about in the first place was because of the Brazilian bikini, and that wouldn’t exist because Brazil itself wouldn’t exist. Trust us, we’ve been there, and a place that geared toward male pleasure could not have come into being at all if women had anything to say about it. Instead, that entire region would be a day spa.
8: Regarding the Brazilian bikini, fashion in general would be totally different. We don’t know in what way. Perhaps women would be covered in clothing from head to toe, but we like to think that, freed from leering male eyes, they wouldn’t wear clothes at all. Scientists say humans invented clothes as insulation against the cold, but we think they were invented about ten minutes after early man first overheard early woman discussing penis sizes.
9: War, genocide, corruption, and murder would be seriously curtailed. Certainly women have been complicit in all these atrocities, but it was mainly because men were signing the paychecks. Take men out of the picture and all this stuff decreases significantly.
10: Without the aforementioned, there would definitely be no pulp. Pulp is usually violent, and often sexist, so it just wouldn’t be. That means no horror movies, no action movies, no detective fiction, and definitely no porn. The upside of this pulpless world is that it would be more nurturing, healthy and fulfilling. But on the downside, no pulp means no Pulp Intl., and then you’d have to find something useful to do with the time you currently spend here. So it’s a good thing the world is screwed. High five!
10: Without the aforementioned, there would definitely be no pulp. Pulp is usually violent, and often sexist, so it just wouldn’t be. That means no horror movies, no action movies, no detective fiction, and definitely no porn. The upside of this pulpless world is that it would be more nurturing, healthy and fulfilling. But on the downside, no pulp means no Pulp Intl., and then you’d have to find something useful to do with the time you currently spend here. So it’s a good thing the world is screwed. High five!
