Vintage Pulp Mar 27 2016
REPTILE DYSFUNCTION
The dinosaurs aren't the only ones with small brains.


1960s and 1970s lost world movies like When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth are fun, but just lately they're also a reminder that—despite all geological, biological, paleontological and, for that matter, just plain logical proof to the contrary—a lot of people actually believe humans co-existed with dinosaurs. Well, this movie is for them, and as a bonus everyone in it is white, which of course we know was the case in the prehistoric past. But does homogeneity bring harmony to the planet? No, because Victoria Vetri is a ravishing blonde whose differences from the brunette tribe she encounters initially make her a perfect sacrifice candidate, and later a potential mate for one of the men. This annoys the hell out of the brunette women, and thence sparks fly and deeper troubles develop.

In its own way When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth is better than the more famous One Million Years B.C., and in her own way Victoria Vetri is better than the more famous Raquel Welch. That may sound a bit crazy, but in terms of quality note that the two films have very similar scores on IMDB—5.8 versus 5.2—and in terms of lead actresses Vetri gets naked whereas Welch does not. Is it okay to say that? Well, we're a bit caveman-like ourselves, so blame it on our primitive brains. Anyway, both movies are fun, if scientifically preposterous, but When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth is cheaper, which makes it funnier, and in turn means it's a perfect popcorn and beer flick. Watch it and laugh. It premiered in England in October 1970 and rampaged across Japan today in 1971.
I am called Sanna. I come from across the great sea and represent a new evolutionary stage in personal grooming.
 
You fake blonde bitch. You better get your eyes off my man before I yank them out of your head and eat them on a cracker.
 
Shit. I really wanted to make friends with everyone. Sometimes being astoundingly beautiful is really hard.
 
So Tara, where's your girlfriend? Oh well, doesn't matter. Tara sounds a little like a girl’s name. And Ayak sounds like a boy’s name. Maybe you two should swap names. Is your cave near here?
 
Just to warn you, Sanna, kissing and foreplay don’t exist yet, so you're just gonna have to figure out some way to get your lady parts ready for this.
 
Oh, and I don't have a bed. Do you have those where you’re from? They’re really expensive here. I’m thinking of maybe buying a futon instead.
 
Hah hah, something about that golden muff of yours just makes me smile. I don't even know why...
 
Maybe this isn’t the time or place to mention it, but I’ve been seeing the blonde. We’re maybe gonna buy a condo. I want my engagement bone back.
 
Blonde bitch stole my man! Her hair is that color because of evil magic! She thinks brunettes are violent and stupid! Brothers and sisters, we must sacrifice her!
 
And fuck you, Tara! What kind of name is that for a caveman anyway? Sounds like a girl’s name! And I’m keeping my engagement bone. I earned this!
 
I think this crazy chick really intends to see us dead, Sanna. I should have broken up with her that time she tried to stab me in the groin with a sharpened wolf's femur. We better run.
 
Okay, you’re right—I owned a secret raft so I could enjoy a little discreet entertaining on the side. Sue me. It’s helping us get away, right? Anyway, since I met you I don’t need other women.
 
Why do I have this horrible feeling he’s telling me a lie men will use even 10,000 years from now?
 
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History Rewind
The headlines that mattered yesteryear.
December 09
1965—UFO Reported by Thousands of Witnesses
A large, brilliant fireball is seen by thousands in at least six U.S. states and Ontario, Canada as it streaks across the sky, reportedly dropping hot metal debris, starting grass fires, and causing sonic booms. It is generally assumed and reported by the press to be a meteor, however some witnesses claim to have approached the fallen object and seen an alien craft.
December 08
1980—John Lennon Killed
Ex-Beatle John Lennon is shot four times in the back and killed by Mark David Chapman in front of The Dakota apartment building in New York City. Chapman had been stalking Lennon since October, and earlier that evening Lennon had autographed a copy of his album Double Fantasy for him.
December 07
1941—Japanese Attack Pearl Harbor
The Imperial Japanese Navy sends aircraft to attack the U.S. Pacific Fleet and its defending air forces at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. While the U.S. lost battleships and other vessels, its aircraft carriers were not at Pearl Harbor and survived intact, robbing the Japanese of the total destruction of the Pacific Fleet they had hoped to achieve.
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