 Sneaky Chinese security ministry hatches scheme to infiltrate U.S. with costumed spies. 
We resisted this for a few days, but in the end we caved because we had a late night, which oh so often leads to an early morning, which in turn means we have a little more time than usual before our work days begin. Therefore: an image went viral over the weekend of a sun bear in a zoo in Hangzhou, China that many online commenters seem convinced was a human in costume. The image was a frame from a video. Chinese authorities dealt with the wave of outrage far too logically, we think. They could have simply said, “What would be the fucking point of that?” Instead they noted that, as the daytime high temperature was near 100 Fahrenheit when the video was made, a human in a thick fur costume, “would not last more than a few minutes before collapsing.” Uh huh.
But what if the costume were refrigerated? What if, in fact, the fake bear was a field test by the Ministry of State Security for a new scheme in which U.S. national parks would be infiltrated by spies in refrigerated sun bear costumes, who would gather crucial intel from Yellowstone, Grand Teton, and other wilderness areas where the most important Americans are well known to congregate? Obviously, sun bears are not native to North America, but the type of fur needed to make grizzly costumes is scarce due to global supply chain issues. Anyway, the bears are merely a precursor to more advanced costumes in the form of pot-bellied pigs. Once those pig costumes are perfected, they'll be used to infiltrate Congress, and they'll fit right in. Some will probably even get committee assignments.
On the other hand, in this, the year of our impatience 2023, one could watch the posted videos to their conclusions and see that the phony sun bear is actually a real bear (named Angela). But we do have to give the online virus vectors credit. Breaking down a video to single frames is the most efficient way to fool people. It's how the cops who attacked Rodney King avoided jail (well, that and racism): “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in motion Mr. King indeed seems to be helpless, but look! This freeze frame shows his raised arm, clearly an attempt to attack the police!” For those of you who have better things to do with your time than watch a sun bear video, below you see a few frames from seconds later in the same sequence. That's all bear is, folks.
  
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The headlines that mattered yesteryear.
1945—Mussolini Is Arrested
Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, his mistress Clara Petacci, and fifteen supporters are arrested by Italian partisans in Dongo, Italy while attempting to escape the region in the wake of the collapse of Mussolini's fascist government. The next day, Mussolini and his mistress are both executed, along with most of the members of their group. Their bodies are then trucked to Milan where they are hung upside down on meathooks from the roof of a gas station, then spat upon and stoned until they are unrecognizable. 1933—The Gestapo Is Formed
The Geheime Staatspolizei, aka Gestapo, the official secret police force of Nazi Germany, is established. It begins under the administration of SS leader Heinrich Himmler in his position as Chief of German Police, but by 1939 is administered by the Reichssicherheitshauptamt, or Reich Main Security Office, and is a feared entity in every corner of Germany and beyond. 1937—Guernica Is Bombed
In Spain during the Spanish Civil War, the Basque town of Guernica is bombed by the German Luftwaffe, resulting in widespread destruction and casualties. The Basque government reports 1,654 people killed, while later research suggests far fewer deaths, but regardless, Guernica is viewed as an example of terror bombing and other countries learn that Nazi Germany is committed to that tactic. The bombing also becomes inspiration for Pablo Picasso, resulting in a protest painting that is not only his most famous work, but one the most important pieces of art ever produced. 1939—Batman Debuts
In Detective Comics #27, DC Comics publishes its second major superhero, Batman, who becomes one of the most popular comic book characters of all time, and then a popular camp television series starring Adam West, and lastly a multi-million dollar movie franchise starring Michael Keaton, then George Clooney, and finally Christian Bale. 1953—Crick and Watson Publish DNA Results
British scientists James D Watson and Francis Crick publish an article detailing their discovery of the existence and structure of deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA, in Nature magazine. Their findings answer one of the oldest and most fundamental questions of biology, that of how living things reproduce themselves.
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