Mondo Bizarro Jun 17 2023
AIRBORNE IN THE USA
Aliens seem inordinately attracted to the United States. Maybe it's the free drink refills


Talk of UFOs—sorry UAPs—is ramping up in the U.S. again, which means it's time for one of our periodic buckets of ice water over the debate. There are no alien craft in the skies. There, we did it. We've already gone through the reasons why. Condensed version: aliens could learn everything they wanted to know about Earth without coming here. They could hang out undetected behind Uranus—heh heh—and intercept endless radio and television transmissions. Or they could send undetectable drones the size of gnats here. If they came to Earth physically they would have stealth technology. The list goes on. But today we're interested in a slightly different question. Why does the U.S generate 92% of global UFO sightings?

You ever notice, also, that it's the U.S. that has all the secret data, hidden wreckage, and refrigerated bodies? The unlikelihood of aliens visiting the U.S. to the near exclusion of the rest of the planet, and the hubris that drives that belief, is worth note. If you're an alien, why not land in Tanzania? There's some pretty interesting shit there. Why not India? There are 1.5 billion people there worthy of study. It seems to us that the fantasy of government held UFO secrets needs to be intertwined with the U.S. or else it doesn't really work. Why? Well, we've travelled around a bit, and not all governments are the same. Some are far less interested in keeping secrets. We feel pretty confident that if the government of, say, Iceland, or Finland, or New Zealand learned something about UFOs they'd simply say so.

By the same token, some governments have so little in the way of a national security apparatus we doubt they have the capability to keep extraordinarily large secrets. If a UFO crashed in Belize or Nepal we bet everybody in and out of government would know within days. All it takesis for aliens to do one of their periodic oopsy-daisys somewhere other than the U.S.—or the other highly secretive nuclear powers—and the beans would probably be spilled. This is why UFO sightings are concentrated in the U.S., with its incredibly opaque government. The idea of UFOs elsewhere spoils the fun, because the point isn't so much aliens as it is conspiracies.

It's easy to imagine the leader of a smaller nation seeing good reason to share definitive proof of alien life. Geopolitics works on two tiers, with nuclear armed nations existing outside international law. We bet dozens of leaders would be interested in throwing sand in the gears of those nations' global domination machinery by offering proof that Earth is being observed by infinitely more powerful (and wise?) entities. And you know what? When we think of it that way, maybe we should believe after all. Could proof of alien life stop warfare? There are certainly worse things to believe in. So come on, bobble-headed intergalactic saviors. All of a sudden, we've found the faith.
 
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History Rewind
The headlines that mattered yesteryear.
February 20
1935—Caroline Mikkelsen Reaches Antarctica
Norwegian explorer Caroline Mikkelsen, accompanying her husband Captain Klarius Mikkelsen on a maritime expedition, makes landfall at Vestfold Hills and becomes the first woman to set foot in Antarctica. Today, a mountain overlooking the southern extremity of Prydz Bay is named for her.
1972—Walter Winchell Dies
American newspaper and radio commentator Walter Winchell, who invented the gossip column while working at the New York Evening Graphic, dies of cancer. In his heyday from 1930 to the 1950s, his newspaper column was syndicated in over 2,000 newspapers worldwide, he was read by 50 million people a day, and his Sunday night radio broadcast was heard by another 20 million people.
February 19
1976—Gerald Ford Rescinds Executive Order 9066
U.S. President Gerald R. Ford signs Proclamation 4417, which belatedly rescinds Executive Order 9066. That Order, signed in 1942 by President Franklin D. Roosevelt, established "War Relocation Camps" for Japanese-American citizens living in the U.S. Eventually, 120,000 are locked up without evidence, due process, or the possibility of appeal, for the duration of World War II.
February 18
1954—First Church of Scientology Established
The first Scientology church, based on the writings of science fiction author L. Ron Hubbard, is established in Los Angeles, California. Since then, the city has become home to the largest concentration of Scientologists in the world, and its ranks include high-profile adherents such as Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
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