Mondo Bizarro Aug 29 2012
SASQUASHED
Man in military camo suit dies pulling juvenile prank.

In northwestern Montana a night ago, a forty-four-year old man was run over while trying to stage a Bigfoot sighting. He had donned a Ghillie suit—a military camouflage outfit resembling foliage but which could be mistaken for coarse fur—and was standing either on the shoulder or in a traffic lane of State Highway 93. Instead of being seen and mistaken for a sasquatch, he went unseen and was just plain squashed when hit and run over by first one car, then, for good measure, another. Needless to say, the man, whose name was Randy Lee Tenley, died on the scene. Tragic, unfortunate, family is in our prayers and so forth, but let’s not even pretend this isn’t funny. Even the most moral among us (our girlfriends) have to smile morbidly at this. Picture this poor guy lurking by the highway, probably giggling inside his Ghillie suit, feeling quite clever and doubtless picturing the next day’s headlines—which you can be sure he did not think would read “local idiot fatally flattened.” We know, we know—tragic, unfortunate, family is in our prayers and so forth. You know what the worst part is, though? Not only did the guy die in brutal fashion, but his death was completely in vain—no Bigfoot sightings were called in that night.

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Hollywoodland | Sex Files Aug 6 2010
FISH OUT OF WATER
Laurence Fishburne’s daughter makes the leap into porn.

As you may know, Laurence Fishburne’s daughter Montana is releasing a porn movie in hopes that it will make her famous. Inspired by Kim Kardashian, who earned her celebrity via an accidentally (?) leaked sex tape, Montana Fishburne seems to be hoping for a career in reality television. We weren’t going to comment on this story, but someone sent us a link that we foolishly followed down the rabbit hole, and since we can’t unsee what was there, we’re going to dump it on you.

In short, we have to come down on Montana’s side: she could spend the next twenty years developing the chops to be a character actress, or an artist, or a novelist, but if she wants to be a celebrity now porn is a surefire method. Since Morpheus, er, we mean Montana, understands that she probably can’t be a real Hollywood star without looking like Zoe Saldana and weighing 100 pounds, she boldly took a step that has made her known to tens of millions of people who had never heard of her just days ago. So she’s already pretty much proved her point, wouldn’t you say? Will she achieve her goal of Kardashian-like fame? Who can say? Is it a sign of cultural decay that people get famous this way? People have always gotten famous this way, as anyone who follows this site knows.

Personally, we could easily picture Fishburne in Pam Grier type roles, karate-chopping men in throat, starting with all the assholes calling her evil names in internet comment chains. In any case, you’ll find no phony morality here. We simply play our role as a cog in the machine. Montana Fishburne, with pure post-millennial pragmatism, had decided porn is her route to fame, and since we always post these kinds of photos, today is no exception. The imagery is courtesy of her partners at Vivid Video. Our work is done.

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History Rewind
The headlines that mattered yesteryear.
December 21
1958—de Gaulle Elected President of France
World War II hero General Charles de Gaulle is elected President of France by an overwhelming majority. During his time he leads France to develop nuclear weapons, ends the French presence in Algeria, and survives several assassination attempts. He eventually retires to Colombey-les-Deux-Eglises, in north-east France, and dies from a heart attack on 9 November 1970.
December 20
1989—U.S. Invades Panama
The United States invades Panama with the goal of overthrowing the dictatorship of Manuel Noriega. Noriega had been a CIA agent for many years, and because of this special status, U.S. drug authorities had turned a blind eye toward his activities, which included helping to create a crack cocaine epidemic in American inner cities. In 1988, Senator John Kerry's Subcommittee on Terrorism, Narcotics and International Operations concluded that the Noriega saga represented one of the most serious foreign policy failures in U.S. history.
December 19
1984—Britain Agrees to Cede Hong Kong
Great Britain signs over Hong Kong to China in an agreement stipulating that the colony be returned to the Chinese in 1997. Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher signs the Joint Sino-British Declaration with her Chinese counterpart Zhao Ziyang, while political groups in Hong Kong push futilely for independence.

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