That’s right, we killed Grandma—we had to. At first we were counting on Obama’s health plan to kill her, but when we found out that death panel stuff is just a bunch of fear-mongering wingnut baloney, we had to do it ourselves. We were gonna smother her with a Depends, but we thought that would look suspicious, so we finally staged a fatal Travelscoot accident. But it was all for nothing because the old bitch willed everything to the cat. It’s not fair I tell you. It’s just not fair!     

Though this could be a public service announcement or a magazine ad, it’s actually a poster for a movie—a real movie that really came out in 1937 and people really went to see. The plot: girl meets drug, girl smokes drug, girl gets the munchies and eats Häagen-Dazs until she gets a lethal brain freeze. It’s a cautionary tale, but you probably got that from the poster.

Here’s a list of admitted “marihuana” smokers who, despite their love of the demon weed, went on to great success: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, John Kerry, Sarah Palin, David Bowie, Celine Dion, Eric Clapton, Robert Downey, Jr., Jacqui Smith, Alistair Darling, Al Gore, Clarence Thomas, Newt Gingrich, Michael Bloomberg, Timothy Leary, Paul McCartney, Kate Moss, Mickey Rooney, Robert Mitchum, Elizabeth Taylor, and of course, Charles Manson. Wait—sorry, scratch that last one.

Rod Blagojevich’s colleagues took turns on the floor of the state legislature and voted to impeach the beleaguered governor, with many also taking the opportunity to denounce him. Rep. Lou Lang said, “Here we are on Nixon’s birthday and the governor sounds a lot like Richard Nixon.” Rep. John Fritchey was more specific, declaring, “My Illinois is not the Illinois of George Ryan and Rod Blagojevich, but Abe Lincoln and Barack Obama.” Said Rep. Jack Franks: “The plague that has been brought upon us by Rod Blagojevich will be lifted.”

While the 115 voted, Blagojevich jogged. But afterward, he spoke at a press conference, and had some harsh words for Jack Franks: “Plague? Plague? Fuck you, Franks, I got your plague right here, buddy. I got all seven plagues, you wanna get all Biblical with me. I got a fucking river of blood for you, and some hail mixed with fire, and I got some big fat frogs raining down on your ass, too. How you like me now, tough guy? Hey, tan much, George Hamilton? How ’bout you ease up on the UV bed? By the way, who’s paying for those sessions? That coming out of your pocket? Yeah, fat fucking chance, you hypocrite. Hey Frankie boy, I just remembered, I got another plague too. I got that unhealable boils plague. Yeah, I got a big fat unhealable boil for you right in my shorts, you fucking asshole.”

In the U.S., Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has been snared in an FBI sting operation. His crime wasn’t the usual men’s room sexual solicitation. No, he was caught trying to sell Barack Obama’s soon-to-be vacant Senate seat to the highest bidder. Under Illinois law, the governor of the state has the authority to appoint a successor when a Senate seat is vacated. FBI recordings reveal Blagojevich, a Democrat, discussing the appointment with virtually anyone he felt had something to offer in return. What incredible balls.

The conversations apparently were close to bearing fruit. Recordings reveal Blagojevich weighing a $500,000 offer from an as-yet anonymous source. Also on his wish list were such goodies as an ambassadorship, a cabinet post, possibly the establishment of a non-profit foundation in his name, or even an appointment for his wife to some powerful corporate board. President-elect Obama was not involved in these negotiations, it seems clear, because in one recording Blagojevich rails against Obama staffers for refusing to play along with the scheme, at one point declaring, “They’re not willing to give me anything except appreciation. Fuck them.”

There seems very little chance Blagojevich can spin his way out of this mess, considering at one point he says a Senate seat is “a fucking valuable thing—you just don’t give it away for nothing.” Sadly, Blagojevich may be more rule than exception in Chicago politics. Slate magazine reported back in 2006 that the region is considered one of the most corrupt on the American political landscape, and has produced more indictments over the years than any area save central California/Los Angeles and south Florida. Blagojevich and his chief of staff John Harris have been formally charged with soliciting bribes and conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud.