Swindles & Scams Jan 30 2014
TOO BIG TO GIVE A DAMN
Everything being said by people who hate Bank of America was proved true by our recent experience.


At Pulp Intl. we have an entire category labeled “swindles and scams,” and we think this qualifies. It all started when a cash card we rely upon stopped working a few days before Christmas. Terrible timing, of course. Gifts to buy, revelry to enjoy. But the screen of the cash machine read in glowing green letters: Transaction not possible. An immediate call to Bank of America revealed that they had cancelled the card. Why? Because a new one had been sent. But that made no sense—nothing had arrived in the mail. We asked, baffled, “So you cancelled the card without permission, even though it hasn’t expired and a new one hasn’t been activated?”

The associate, who called himself Elton, said, “The old card is expired.”

“No, it’s cancelled. You cancelled it. But it isn’t expired. It was supposed to run until December 31.”

“No, the card is only active until December 2013. That means it can be cancelled anytime during the month.”

“I have the card right here. It says it’s active until the last day of December.”

“No, it doesn’t say that.”

“Yes, it does.”

“It does not.” (See below)

 
Now, we had to wonder, do they not know what their own cards say? But of course they know. It’s just that Elton’s default move when told the bank had made a mistake was to lie, just like his superiors lie to investors, and the top executives lie to the entire world. When in doubt, just lie. But to make matters worse, he crossed the line from merely lying to blaming the customer. That’s the strategy they tried with the mortgage crisis, so perhaps it’s in the corporate bylaws somewhere. Maybe BofA should simply change its call center greeting to, “Thank you for calling Bank of America. We can’t help you, and it’s your fault.”
 
During the nine calls made to Bank of America, we were told variously that the social security number we gave them was not on file thus we had no account there; a new cash card had been sent; a new cash card had not been sent; and that two cash cards were already open on the account. In a truly bizarre turn, during one encounter we answered the three security questions we’d selected for account verification, but Elton (again) decided that, though we had fulfilled our security requirements, that wasn’t enough and he asked us a fourth question we got wrong. He demanded to know at which branch we’d opened the account, which was something we couldn’t remember after having lived in three countries and five cities since then. So then what was the point of the pre-selected security questions? Apparently nothing—the bank can simply quiz callers until they get something wrong. Their ace-in-the-hole is probably to ask the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
 
But maybe Bank of America is simply too busy to actually help customers. After all, in 2013 alone it lost a $2.43 billion lawsuit for hiding income, a $39 million gender bias lawsuit, had to pay a $404 million settlement related to mortgage fraud, a $165 million settlement over defrauding unions, and that isn’t even a full list. Based on available evidenceBank of America is an extraordinarily corrupt institution that absolutely sucks all the way down to the little slot in its cash machines. The eventual resolution of our particular fiasco was this: a new card arrived after two weeks (no faster unless we wanted to pay out of pocket for express mail). Now that it’s here, we’re going to empty the account and Bank of America will be out of our lives forever.

There is one positive to all this: having been treated as if we don’t exist by the bank, we at least have the option of telling tens of thousands of Pulp Intl. visitors what happened. Does it matter in the end? Doubtful. Does the bank care? Certainly not. But at least we can add another anecdote to the growing tome of horror stories about Bank of America. And sharing our story here feels better than merely passing bad word of mouth to a few buddies at the bar. So thanks for listening. Now we can get back to your regularly scheduled pulp with all that off our minds.

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History Rewind
The headlines that mattered yesteryear.
October 23
1935—Four Gangsters Gunned Down in New Jersey
In Newark, New Jersey, the organized crime figures Dutch Schultz, Abe Landau, Otto Berman, and Bernard "Lulu" Rosencrantz are fatally shot at the Palace Chophouse restaurant. Schultz, who was the target, lingers in the hospital for about a day before dying. The killings are committed by a group of professional gunmen known as Murder, Inc., and the event becomes known as the Chophouse Massacre.
1950—Al Jolson Dies
Vaudeville and screen performer Al Jolson dies of a heart attack in San Francisco after a trip to Korea to entertain troops causes lung problems. Jolson is best known for his film The Jazz Singer, and for his performances in blackface make-up, which were not considered offensive at the time, but have now come to be seen as a form of racial bigotry.
October 22
1926—Houdini Fatally Punched in Stomach
After a performance in Montreal, Hungarian-born magician and escape artist Harry Houdini is approached by a university student named J. Gordon Whitehead, who asks if it is true that Houdini can endure any blow to the stomach. Before Houdini is ready Whitehead strikes him several times, causing internal injuries that lead to the magician's death.
October 21
1973—Kidnappers Cut Off Getty's Ear
After holding Jean Paul Getty III for more than three months, kidnappers cut off his ear and mail it to a newspaper in Rome. Because of a postal strike it doesn't arrive until November 8. Along with the ear is a lock of hair and ransom note that says: "This is Paul’s ear. If we don’t get some money within 10 days, then the other ear will arrive. In other words, he will arrive in little bits." Getty's grandfather, billionaire oilman Jean Paul Getty, at first refused to pay the 3.2 million dollar ransom, then negotiated it down to 2.8 million, and finally agreed to pay as long as his grandson repaid the sum at 4% interest.
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