Vintage Pulp May 9 2013
WISH YOU WERE BEER
You and your stories. Bart’s a vampire. Beer causes heart attacks.

Yeah, there’s a girl on the cover of this Midnight published today in 1969 demanding $15,000 for her virginity, but she’s not important right now. Does beer really cause heart attacks? Doctors tell us that FAEEs (fatty acid ethyl esters) are synthesized at high rates in the heart, and because ethanol in alcohol is a toxic agent that affects the metabolism of fatty acids—which are the sole energy source for the heart—there’s a plausible link between the ingestion of alcohol and observed cardiac damage. But fuck those doctors. Let’s turn to noted beer drinker Plato. He once said that it was a wise man who invented beer. Sizzle. And what would the Mahatma say? Nothing, because he was too busy breaking a blood vessel in his eye tossing his cookies after a long binge one night at Samaldas College. In short, we don’t need no stinking doctors—if the best minds in history drank beer, it’s good enough for us.

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History Rewind
The headlines that mattered yesteryear.
November 17
1973—Nixon Proclaims His Innocence
While in Orlando, Florida, U.S. President Richard Nixon tells four-hundred Associated Press managing editors, "I am not a crook." The false statement comes to symbolize Nixon's presidency when facts are uncovered that prove he is, indeed, a crook.
November 16
1938—Lysergic Acid Diethylamide Created
In Basel, Switzerland, at the Sandoz Laboratories, chemist Albert Hofmann creates the psychedelic compound Lysergic acid diethylamide, aka LSD, from a grain fungus.
1945—German Scientists Secretly Brought to U.S.
In a secret program codenamed Operation Paperclip, the United States Army admits 88 German scientists and engineers into the U.S. to help with the development of rocket technology. President Harry Truman ordered that Paperclip exclude members of the Nazi party, but in practice many Nazis who had been officially classified as dangerous were also brought to the U.S. after their backgrounds were whitewashed by Army officials.
November 15
1920—League of Nations Holds First Session
The first assembly of the League of Nations, the multi-governmental organization formed as a result of the Treaty of Versailles, is held in Geneva, Switzerland. The League begins to fall apart less than fifteen years later when Germany withdraws. By the onset of World War II it is clear that the League has failed completely.
1959—Clutter Murders Take Place
Four members of the Herbert Clutter Family are murdered at their farm outside Holcomb, Kansas by Richard "Dick" Hickock and Perry Smith. The events would be used by author Truman Capote for his 1966 non-fiction novel In Cold Blood, which is considered a pioneering work of true crime writing. The book is later adapted into a film starring Robert Blake.
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